Sleep Plays Coy

There are some nights when
sleep plays coy,
aloof and disdainful.
And all the wiles
that I employ to win
its service to my side
are useless as wounded pride,
and much more painful.” Maya Angelou

I have an unofficial diagnosis of my sleep issues: insomnia and possibly two sleep disorders. Any one of which explains why I don’t sleep well.

Treatment: Sleep study at the sleep clinic, overnight July 13th fully monitored. Diagnosed and interpreted on July 27th and an appointment with a Sleep Psychologist at the end of August.

Until then I’m on my own. Some nights I sleep. Most nights I don’t, much. I had an excellent meeting on June 6th with the Department head of the Sleep Clinic. She knew my language. She’d spoken with 100’s, maybe thousands like me. And she knew exactly how to proceed.

My hope and prayer is that the methods that have worked for so many, work for me. I use to find the night intriguing, mysterious… now it’s just a cage for which I have no key. Now I live with the hope that someday sleep will not be so elusive, but once again a dear friend who visits regularly.

I can wait for my appointments, knowing that the end is in sight. I’m no longer alone in my fight. Good night. Someday I will be able to say that with more meaning. Someday soon, I hope!

Upside Down Days And Dreamless Nights

‘But [Pooh] couldn’t sleep. The more he tried to sleep the more he couldn’t. He tried counting Sheep, which is sometimes a good way of getting to sleep, and, as that was no good, he tried counting Heffalumps. And that was worse. Because every Heffalump that he counted was making straight for a pot of Pooh’s honey, and eating it all. For some minutes he lay there miserably, but when the five hundred and eighty-seventh Heffalump was licking its jaws, and saying to itself, “Very good honey this, I don’t know when I’ve tasted better,” Pooh could bear it no longer.’

Trying to sleep, working at sleep are exercises in futility. Either you close your eyes and the sweet nectar of rest overcomes you and you sleep…or you close your eyes and peer into the dark, scratchy sandpaper which is the inside of your eyelid. The latter is the torture of insomnia.

Insomnia by Libby
Blogging on my phone

It’s 3:30 a.m. and I have yet to sleep. I can’t blame daytime sleeping this time. My fitbit shows I took one short nap, that’s all. I exercised more than usual, so that’s not the culprit. I had a lovely day… can’t blame the day. We had company and I drank a Coke Zero after dinner trying to stay awake for the evening. Maybe that’s it! One little glass of diet pop? Maybe, but all night? I am still thinking sleeping disorder. I’m too consistently a really rotten sleeper.

And now, I’m once again in danger of flipping my days and nights around like a newborn baby. It happens so easily, no matter how hard I work at straightening them around. The Heffalumps have me in their jaws… not Pooh’s honey!

But, because I have bipolar disorder, I need sleep desperately to keep my equilibrium It’s catch as catch can where my sleep is concerned. So what’s my plan? Approximately: write until 4 – 4:30 AM. Take my medication. Wait a half hour. Eat breakfast. Wait for the inevitable exhaustion from being up all night and sleep from 6 AM to 10 AM within a nap in the afternoon…or however my body will cooperate.

That’s what it amounts to…waiting for my body to cooperate. And, never drinking caffeine after dinner again! Hoping our guests understand, if I fall asleep in my chair ~ or excuse myself early ~ of course they will.

This has been going on for years. It’s just gotten much worse these past six months. I can’t get myself turned around anymore, keeping my days daytime and my nights for sleep.

I can hardly wait for my sleep consult June 6th. Coasting until then. Trying not to let the Heffalumps get me!

Tackling Insomnia

“I’ve always envied people who sleep easily. Their brains must be cleaner, the floorboards of the skull well swept, all the little monsters closed up in a steamer trunk at the foot of the bed.”
David Benioff, City of Thieves

Now that I have shed the ties that choke the life out of you: Depression ~ it’s time to go after the other oppression sucking the life from my days: Insomnia. Last night was a great night. I slept with only one brief interruption from 11:30 p.m. to 5:30 a.m. I hardly ever stay up that late, but I hardly ever sleep that late either. The great thing in that it’s six hours sleep straight through. Usually I go to bed at 9 exhausted, fall asleep by 9:30 or 10 p.m. and wake up for good anytime between 12:30 and 3:30 a.m. However, even sleeping until 5:30, it’s 8 a.m. and I’m exhausted and ready for a nap.

I’m back after a nap! For this reason, I don’t think I just have insomnia. I believe I have a sleep disorder. I recently read an article from the Gelb Institute, a second generation Dental Group in New York, also billed as Sleep Disorder, TMJ, Headache, Sleep Apnea Specialists. They have invented an Airway Centric medical device that works differently from the TMJ device that I wear. They say the typical device like mine can make matters worse if you suffer from sleep disordered breathing. And sleep disordered breathing interferes with the all important REM stage, and true rest and rejuvenation of your body and mind.

The more of the article I read, the more it sounded like me. The symptoms include: teeth grinding, TMJ, anxiety, depression, cold intolerance, insomnia, daytime fatigue, falling asleep during the day, brain fog, scalloped tongue. I have all symptoms but the last two. I don’t what they mean.

After years of my doctor trying to get me to get a sleep study done and my thinking I could fix things on my own, I have an appointment on June 6th for a consultation. I resisted going, because I was sure I didn’t have sleep apnea. And I was afraid to wear a mask to sleep! Anxiety holding me back again. It never occurred to me it could be something else interfering with breathing and sleep quality!

Well, wish me luck my friends. This would be a real life changer. Sleeping at night. Not dreading it. Having energy during the day. Real productivity. An entire day’s worth. It sounds wonderful. I’m hoping and praying for the very best!

Listen for Hope

20180506_122451Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be. Shel Silverstein

It’s been nearly a week since the depression that held me captive has lifted! In that time I have walked farther than the two weeks before! I have accomplished more around the house. I have taken the bus to a Doctor’s appointment, from a girl who wouldn’t leave the apartment to get the mail! I have been happier, laughed more, slept better and been more alive and excited about life than I have in many weeks.

The only good thing about a depression is coming out of it and feeling how great life is on the other side!

Life is difficult. Horrid things happen every day. Like the school shooting/massacre just yesterday. Going through it depressed is almost too much!

There is plenty of joy to be found in this life and it’s very hard to find it through the mud stained glass of a major depression. When all that is washed away, the sun shines through and the beauty of the world is readily apparent.

Anything can happen to you when you’re not looking at life through the muddy lenses of sorrow and depression. So, if you find yourself depressed,  seek help. Keep seeking until you get it. Don’t give up, because you’re in a fight and you never know when it might become a fight, not just for hope, but for your life!

I Caught Myself Smiling

“Peace begins with a smile.”  fb_img_15234424259891706325205811884361.jpgMother Teresa

I was getting ready for bed tonight,  not my favorite thing to do, because I have quite a lot of anxiety surrounding sleep due to insomnia and my recent major bout with depression. I noticed I was smiling! A genuine, happy,  Libby kind of smile. The kind I do often, for no reason, when I am my usual self. And I began to beam. I said to myself,  “Depressed people don’t smile!” Not genuine, joyous,  happy for no reason contented smiles like this one! My depression has lifted! I’m no longer climbing the blood stained rocks of that ghastly thing…trying to clamor my way out by sheer force of will. It’s lifted!

Exactly five days after my doctor almost doubled my bipolar antidepressant dose… it’s lifted! Once again proving, what my experience has long borne out… bipolar one disorder is a brain chemistry disorder. Yes, it is all in my head,  quite literally. Get the chemistry right and voila! I’m back!

I don’t mean to say that it’s always this simple. Because it wasn’t. This was my second med change first of all. We tried conquering the sleep component first to no avail. And it’s not always the second medicine you tweak that rights the wrong, as in this case. Certainly sometimes talk therapy is called for. Which I did a bit on my own, by working through my feelings, blogging my depression away!

It also helps that my psychiatrist and I have been together 12 years. The art form that is practiced in the science of psychiatry has been honed quite well. I have a therapist too,  we’re an excellent team…. it’s always ust a matter of time…hopefully not longer than I can bear!! We get better with practice,  but the variables keep changing: my age, the meds, the circumstances.

To think just a few days ago,  I was reluctant to have my kiddo come home for Mother’s Day,  because I didn’t want her to see me such a wreck. She knew enough to ignore that and knew seeing her would do me a world of good. She and her Dad, my Love planned a wonderful weekend here i am two days later depression free!!! On my way back!!!

Brain chemistry,  love and smiles. That’s a formula for success! And thank you dear friends for all of your prayers! They were answered and then some!!!!

God bless! Libby Smiling Baker Sweiger 🙏🙏😁😁😍😍😄😄


No Off Switch

20170902_093243“It is very hard to explain to people who have never known serious depression or anxiety the sheer continuous intensity of it. There is no off switch.” Matt Haig

No off switch! That’s it exactly! Every night, at various times…9:00, 8:00…last night it was 7:15. I say quite distinctly,  not realizing immediately that I have said it out loud, “I can’t take it, anymore…” then realizing what I’ve said, I continue,  “I’m going to bed.” I just want the day to end. Of course,  the hazards of going to bed that early is waking up at 12:30 and deciding it’s time to get up. But, I do. I sleep when I can. The very early morning hours are peaceful somehow. I blog. I watch Frasier with one small corner of my brain. I play on social media. Sometimes draw. I have an early breakfast, see my husband off to work and nap the late morning away. Housework follows.

What don’t I do? I don’t feel good. I don’t leave the apartment. I don’t interact with my dear dog. I don’t wash my hair. My clothes are cleaner than I am.

I don’t go anywhere. This photo is of better days when my husband and I drove to Chicago for my niece’s wedding. I leave the apartment now, but only with Mike, my husband, my sister, or my best friend.

I saw my psychiatrist and he addressed my sleep to no avail,  but not my depression. I must not have conveyed how bad it is. I wonder if I could email him this blog link. That would help. Very good idea really. I’ll try it in the morning. When I’m awake in the morning.

I hope he can help me over the phone. I have to get a ride to every appointment and it’s not easy. My husband can’t miss too much work. That’s what sent me to bed early last night… trying to figure out transportation to a bunch of upcoming doctor appointments. I have a Metro Mobility membership (buses for the disabled), but I’m too anxious to use them right now! Sad.

Well, we’ll work it out. Most importantly, I want to get to a sleep clinic consultation! Perhaps they can help! I have hope! I will not lose hope. No matter how down…I won’t lose hope. No off switch on hope!


Stronger Than I Feel

I’m climbing to the top of the mountain of this depression. It’s an arduous climb, characterized by lack of solid, restful sleep and peace. Filled with little spurts of joy and happiness that I do not take lightly,  but rather savor and look forward like a deprived child for their return. I don’t remember depression that well. I haven’t been in one for a number of years. I have an amazing capacity to forget bad things once they have passed. It’s a quality my husband envies. My ability to forget distasteful events… my selective memory fuels optimism. Something, hard to come by when you have bipolar disorder I imagine.

I have it. Depression for the most part,  kills it.  It’s one thing I hate about it!.

So, I fight back. By getting out on the weekends with my husband. Running out errands, getting my haircut, any number of things,  so I am not a prisoner of my apartment and my mind.

Helping others. Doing my daily newspaper online on mental health.  Being an encouragement to fellow friends with disabilities in MDMClub online (My Disability Matters Club).  And longtime friends on Facebook and Twitter as well as friends and family offline, of course.  Reaching beyond yourself… reaches past the depression to wellness. If the depression won’t lift,  then I must climb above it. It’s the only way of escape I can think of.

Thankfully, so many people are praying for me! This can’t be the easy way out.