No Off Switch

20170902_093243“It is very hard to explain to people who have never known serious depression or anxiety the sheer continuous intensity of it. There is no off switch.” Matt Haig

No off switch! That’s it exactly! Every night, at various times…9:00, 8:00…last night it was 7:15. I say quite distinctly,  not realizing immediately that I have said it out loud, “I can’t take it, anymore…” then realizing what I’ve said, I continue,  “I’m going to bed.” I just want the day to end. Of course,  the hazards of going to bed that early is waking up at 12:30 and deciding it’s time to get up. But, I do. I sleep when I can. The very early morning hours are peaceful somehow. I blog. I watch Frasier with one small corner of my brain. I play on social media. Sometimes draw. I have an early breakfast, see my husband off to work and nap the late morning away. Housework follows.

What don’t I do? I don’t feel good. I don’t leave the apartment. I don’t interact with my dear dog. I don’t wash my hair. My clothes are cleaner than I am.

I don’t go anywhere. This photo is of better days when my husband and I drove to Chicago for my niece’s wedding. I leave the apartment now, but only with Mike, my husband, my sister, or my best friend.

I saw my psychiatrist and he addressed my sleep to no avail,  but not my depression. I must not have conveyed how bad it is. I wonder if I could email him this blog link. That would help. Very good idea really. I’ll try it in the morning. When I’m awake in the morning.

I hope he can help me over the phone. I have to get a ride to every appointment and it’s not easy. My husband can’t miss too much work. That’s what sent me to bed early last night… trying to figure out transportation to a bunch of upcoming doctor appointments. I have a Metro Mobility membership (buses for the disabled), but I’m too anxious to use them right now! Sad.

Well, we’ll work it out. Most importantly, I want to get to a sleep clinic consultation! Perhaps they can help! I have hope! I will not lose hope. No matter how down…I won’t lose hope. No off switch on hope!


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